I'm a useles son of a bitch

...well, when it comes to keeping my blogs updated. I didn't realize I had as many visitors. It looks like I'm gonna have to start posting more regularly. It's a tough world out there. I really don't want to be a part of it, but I'm kind of forced to. Suicide isn't an option. I have way too much pride for that. I'd rather die of a stress induced heart attack any day. For the handful of people who read this thing, I'm sorry for the lack of updates.

We had a little incident with a fake Jason and all that stuff. It was a big mess. We're climbing the rungs and should be back to normal as Spring arrives. I plan to add some more stuff in the future. I have a few links to a few interviews I did for the best horror related fansite on the web:

Here they are...

http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/hysterialives/Hysteria/loose_talk_loses_lives_18.htm

http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/hysterialives/Hysteria/loose_talk_loses_lives_16.htm

http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/hysterialives/Hysteria/loose_talk_loses_lives_15.htm

http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/hysterialives/Hysteria/loose_talk_loses_lives_15.htm

http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/hysterialives/Hysteria/loose_talk_loses_lives_13.htm

This is probably old news, but, We have Afghanistan by the ass.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/3750931.stm

Not Driller Killer.....

....But he does have a drilling headache.

Humongous 1982

HUMONGOUS starts out during a party in 1946 where a woman is raped by a drunk sex freak who intends to show his victim ''what she's been missing''. One of her male counterparts opens the kennel and her German Shepherd's come to the rescue, tearing the guy to shreds. Sure, he deserved it. We skip down the road about thirty odd years while Sandy, Eric (David Wallace), Nick (Nick Wild), Carla, and Joy are at the end of their week-end getaway at their father's lake front home. They finish cleaning everything up and enter their father's yacht for the ride back. As nightfall sets in, the fog rolls and makes way for some hard navigating. They soon see a shot from a flare gun and try and navigate the large boat towards the distress signal. To make a long story short, they hit some rocks after Big brother and Little prick brother fight over who has the bigger dick and Ka-Boom! The boat blows to pieces sending the passengers on board flying off into the water. Everyone is accounted for except for Carla, but she's found the next day hiding in a boat. In the mean time, some giant bohemeth lurks the island and is quiet hungry. It seems as if his only source of survival (His mother) has died and the little problem of starvation comes into play. The sound of dogs once echoed throughout the island, but now every thing's dead quiet. Did he get hungry? Humongous. Humongous. What to make of you. Paul Lynch (Prom Night) seems to have forgotten the fact that night scenes need SOME lighting. The night scenes are so dark that it's damn near impossible to tell what's going on. This is a big hindrance to what otherwise could have been a good viewing experience. Don't get me wrong, HUMONGOUS isn't THAT bad, but it's not that damn good either. There are a few decent stalk and slash sequences and when punk-ass baby brother Nick gets his, it'll make you jump. It's hard to believe the makers of Friday the 13th part 2 didn't sue Lynch for his downright copied and pasted ending that involves our stalked final girl turning her back and pretending to be the killer's mother. She sweet talks him a bit and the rest is the equivalent of taking a shit in a dry toilet. You know you gotta, but you don't wanna. There's not much to write home about. This venture just proves tho show that Paul Lynch couldn't make a good slasher movie if it bit him in the ass and sang the theme song to My Bloody Valentine to him. I know there's some die hard Prom Night fans reading this, and I seriously don't mean any disrespect, but true is true. It's not that good. Neither is Humongous. Those damn Canadians are too confusing. If you're in the mood for a violent version of Scooby Doo that's too hard to see, then pick up HUMONGOUS.

BCI plans to release Final Exam on DVD!

Finally!~ BCI Entertainment is set to release a few early 80's horror pics and one just so happens to be the 1981 dorm slasher, Final Exam. Final Exam is a personal favorite of mine (see review below) and having a full fledged dvd release is something of a surprise. I'm not sure of any extras, but a good picture and dolby sound is ok by me. I say go with this box art.....



...It's reaks of the early 80's (or late 70's, as Final Exam was actually shot in '79) and would add a nostalgic feel in a post nostalgic industry. Anyway, that'll give us slasher fans something to chew on in the interim.

The Babysitter 1979

A crazy girl weasels herself inside a family home and almost ruins it from the inside out.

A mysterious, enchanting girl named Joanna manipulates the Benedict family to the very edge of dysfunctional family-ism. Hired as a house maid after an elaborate set-up in which Mrs Benedict (Patty duke) nearly runs over her, the babysitter, Joanne, gains the respect and devotion of the family by her efficiency, understanding, and sympathy.

The suspicious neighbor endeavors to uncover Joanna's closely guarded past but not before his grandson (The blond guy from HUMONGOUS - David Wallace) is drowned while on a boat trip with Joanna.

The neighbor uncovers the disturbing truth about Joanna just in time to save the Benedict family from a hideous fate. This little mystery-suspense thriller delivers the goods in some departments - especially William Shatner overacting to the point to where you think he's going to go into the bathroom and change outfits and come out with a dildo taped to his forehead.

Released for television back in 1979, the producers were obviously trying to cash in on the slasher craze that befuddled the world around that golden era. (Halloween) Instead of going to the big screen, the film gave even the most wholesome family a taste of slasher-goodness that they normally wouldn't have been exposed to.

When I say slasher, I DO use the term loosely. Basically, there's no slashing going on, but it teeters on the fence - almost stepping on slasher-grounded territory a time or two - especially during our climax where there's a stalking sequence with a butcher's knife. There's also a few other little surprises that just so happen to be lying under large sheets of plastic. Is it dusty furniture?

Even the most jaded fan will find something about this little made for television flick to talk about. It may not make discussion at the dinner table, but it has that cold Seattle feel to it that leaves an impression on you. Washington State is the American equivalent as Canada, btw. Feck you too! (Hell, I'm not even sure if it was filmed in Washington, but it sure felt like it. )

There's a great fish bashing scene that gives us a close-up of Joanna's beautiful, but disgruntled face as she whacks a catfish in the head more times than normal. I'm not sure of the 'normal' amount of times one is supposed to whack a catfish over the head, but who's counting? BTW, this movie was produced by the same people who produced 'Cannibal Holocaust'. Of course, I'm only kidding.

The bottom line is that this movie is very watchable - even for the die-hard slasher/horror fan. If nothing else, watch it for a confused William Shatner.

Canibal Ferox (aka- MAke Them Die Slowly) 1980

To start it off right, this film is one of the most vile and utter pieces of Italian trash to ever climb from the cesspool of Italian cinema. The cannibal genre is a mixed array of cinematic happenings that deal with a variety of different 'types' of cannibals - Cannibal Ferox just so happens to deal with the 'jungle cannibal'. For instance, there's your back-woods cannibal types that are depicted in such films as Cannibal Campout, Lunch Meat, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There's your 'Brings back strange disease from the war' cannibals as depicted in Cannibal Apocalypse - Another Italian sleazefest made by the Italians and co-starring Cannibal Ferox star Giovanni Lombardo Radice and John Saxxon of all people. There's your Hannibal Lecter types - This type of cannibal is usually based on evidence from real police files. An usually articulate man with supreme taste, and an appetite for the grand. There's also your homosexual cannibals such as Jeffrey Dahmer - who ingests human flesh because they're lonely. I see no correlation between this well formed depravity and loneliness, but I'm sure there's some Freudian pseudo explanation that says there is. Now, we refer back to the most popular form of 'the cannibal' - Your primitive jungle dwelling cannibal . Throughout the seventies and early 80's, there were two main players in the Jungle' cannibal genre that pretty much opened up a whole new can of worms, but also closed the lid some years later. Umberto Lenzi and Ruggero Deodato - Those two names should be synonymous with extreme violence, cinematic rapes, latex gut munching, but most sadistically, live animals being killed for 'shock value'. Both men claim that they never filmed any killing of live animals - and that the producers shot those scenes after their job as director was finished.Whatever the case may be, the slaughtering (or set-up of the harm or killing) of live animals for the purpose of shocking someone in a film is going too far if you ask me. Cannibal Holocaust is probably most notorious in regards to scenes of torture and cinematic violence. But a lot of people disagree, saying they were most disturbed by Cannibal Ferox. Ferox starts off in that typical Italian fashion.

We have an Anthropology student who denies the fact that cannibalism ever existed. She's convinced that mad tales of flesh eating are just that - mad babbling folklore created by the civilized man to give the jungle a stark legacy. Our story revolves around three NY college students who set out to the jungles of Columbia to disprove any talk of cannibalism or the practices thereof. Gloria (played by Lorainne De Salle of House on the Edge of the Park), Rudy, Gloria's brother (played by Brian Redford), and Patricia (Zera Kerowa of New York Ripper fame) get everything set and enters the outskirts of the jungle via off-road vehicle. Right away, things get off on the wrong foot as the jeep gets stuck and they're forced to foot their way through the wilds of Rio. A few minutes later, the crew run into two small time New York drug dealers who just so happen to be lofting around the jungle floor when they're attacked by natives.

Mike Logan (Giovanni Lombardo Radice - House on the Edge of the Park, Cannibal Apocalypse, The Gatesof Hell, The Church) and his injured friend Joe, run into the crew and ask them for help. Of course, the crew obliges. Little by little they learn of Mike's lust for cocaine and that there's more to he and Joe that meets the eye. It's soon learned why Mike and Joe are running from the natives. It seems as if Mike has a knack for violence - especially when fueled up on cocaine. The rape and murder of a native Indio girl by white outsiders doesn't go over to well with the villagers and it's a race through the jungle to find a way out. Not only this, but Mike is also responsible for torturing a Portuguese tribesman to death in search of emeralds. Mike's quiet the nice guy isn't he? What follows are scenes of gratuitous violence accompanied by a sense of sexual depravity and drug induced paranoia. One by one, the crew are dispatched in some god-awful ways.

To be honest, the gore sequences in the film aren't harsher than most gore films of its ilk. Where Cannibal Ferox steps foot into depravity (besides the torture and hinted rape) is the set up of actual on-screen animal killings which range from a gutted crocodile and turtle, to the feeding of a bound anteater to a very large python. If this isn't enough, we have a live pig which is gutted in bloody fashion by the cinematic hands of Mike Logan. As stated by Giovanni Lombardo Radice, a stagehand was given the job to actually slaughter the animal. He also states that during this scene, he tries to avenge the poor pig by pressing hard on a ceramic bowl that was to catch the blood - nearly severing the stagehand's wrist. Cannibal Ferox is labeled one of the nastiest films of all time - and rightly so. An on-screen castration- Hooks through a woman's breasts - Hand severing - Decapitations - The rape and murder of innocent villagers.

This film shouldn't be watched by anyone who is offended by such atrocious on-screen events. By this, I mean people who actually, eat, sleep and breathe. It seems as the Italian cannibal genre grew older, the demonic imagination of filmmakers involved in the genre escalated to monstrous heights. Earlier films like Umbero Lenzi's EatenAlive! (which uses the same music for Cannibal Ferox) also depicts scenes of animal cruelty and gang rapes, but the film as a whole isn't nearly as brutal as Cannibal Ferox. Jungle Holocaust, an earlier cannibal entry by Rugerro Deodato, is actually more of an adventure film than just a bunch of shock sequences strewn together.

Personally, the adventure theme should have been the main attraction to these types of films. The jungle setting makes way for some good action sequences. Going back to the topic of discussion, Giovanni Lombardo Radice stated to me in an interview that he regretted ever starring in Cannibal Ferox. He says that it has haunted him for twenty-five years. Being remembered as Mike Logan is a huge disappointment for Giovanni. To tell you the truth, I can't blame the guy for feeling this way. But, didn't he read the script beforehand? To sum it up, Cannibal Ferox is a film that should be viewed at least once just to see that everything you've heard has been true.

Very few films live up to their legend status, but this is one of those exceptions. I have no idea how anyone could possibly enjoy the movie. To tell you the truth, I think that anyone who even considers such a film 'fun entertainment' should be checked for mental incapabilities.

Curtains 1983

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Keith Richards knows his role

Keith Richards plays Orville in Bob Clark's 1972 classic, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Revenge of the Living Zombies (aka-Zombie Nosh -aka- Flesheater) 1989

Once in a while, one finds something so vile, something so filthy, something so smelling of decay that you just have to roll around in it like an old mutt, coming home stinking, and getting kicked around because you smelled up the place.

Revenge of the Living Zombies isn't a masterpiece by any means. To be honest, it's a complete rip-off of George Romero's Night of the Living Dead, but it's one of those faux pair of alligator boots that look good with that new suit you just bought.

Besides having one of the most recognizable faces from Night of the Living Dead, (making his return in what seems to be the same make-up and attire. reprising his role as a pale faced ghoul) Bill Hinzman, (also known as the Cemetery Zombie) directs, writes, and stars in this little NOTLD ripoff/homage. For a minute, I was beginning to think the duo from The Dorm That Dripped Blood had attained pseudonyms and decided to make a zombie film, claiming credit for every aspect of production including Key Grip.

Instead of some unknown force causing the dead to return to life and attack the living, we actually get a clue as to how this supposed zombie outbreak comes about. It deals with a semi-satanic theme, which beholds our favorite zombie, Bill Hinzman, buried beneath a stump. Just below that godamned stump is a tombstone with some satanic gibberish written on it. This just so happens to be a stump that a local farmer needs to remove. When the good old farmer jerks up that stump and uncovers the grave, Satanic Zombie Man doesn't look all that bad.

He's still able enough to jump up and grab the man, and resume munching on his body parts. Of course, this starts the zombie outbreak that leads to our little Penn state zombiethon.
It just so happens that a group of the ugliest college coeds I've ever seen are taking a hayride through the woods. There's like ten of them and all these fucking coo-koo's bring with is a fucking six pack? Why is it that in every slasher movie, you can have 800 people and someone just picks up a godamned six pack?

You can pretty much guess what happens from this point on. I honestly don't know what was going through Bill Hinzman's mind while making Revenge of the Living Zombies. Did the son of a bitch think he could dust off his thespian prosthetic and make a better zombie film than George Romero? I haven't a clue. What really pains me is that I respect the effort. It's kind of like taking a good dump. A certain urge to read a magazine from start to finish ensues, and you're off to the races. It's kind of the same with this film. Uh, flick. That's more like it.

The acting is like watching a bunch of roosters acting like Kentucky Fried idiots. The actors and actresses have the worst accent I've ever heard. It's a mix between Virginian and Southern Pennsylvanian, crossed with a little bit of Kentuckiana and squirrel.

I'll have to say that there are some genuinely good scenes in the movie. Uhm, flick. One being when a little girl (Hinzman's real life daughter) is dressed up as an angel for Halloween. The doorbell rings. Guess who? It's Satanic Zombie Man and his quest to kill you off screen.. He quickly picks little girl up and pretty much devours her.

There's more tits and ass in this little venture than Fulci's Zombie. I still say that the only reason Hinzman decided to make this film was to have an excuse to grope as many naked homely Pennsylvanian women as he could possibly get away with without a lawsuit.

The ending? What can I say? Imagine Night of the Living Dead, except with two surviving characters. We have the local redneck posse, fronted by non other than Vince Stravinsky. (The guy who shot Ben in the original NOTLD). We even have an old farmhouse where the coeds hole up in search of shelter from other coed zombies. (notice I said 'other')

The score is spot on, tho. I'll give them a shiny new rock for that. It's a redundant piano-esque score that plays through every waking godamn minute of the movie. It does manage enough gusto in not just giving us background noise, but a little added 'creepiness'.

There's also a few good gore shots. One being Satanic Zombie Man ramming his hand in a womans bare stomach and pulling out her liver. Not bad, but Tom Savini could do it better. Again, not a bad little gore effect. Actually, there's quite a few little night gore effects. But nothing to save your piss in a jar over.

What can I say in finality towards Revenge of the Living Zombies? For the zombie fan, you simply can't miss. Most zombie fans accept cheese with their films and let it be. This should be no exception. This is pretty much a little bit of everything that everyone likes in a zombie film. I guess that makes sense.

I know loads of die hard zombie fans who have longed to see this, but can't find a copy. It was also released as Zombie Nosh and Flesheater. All in all, not a bad time waster, especially for the zombie film fan. If nothing else, check it out for all the NOTLD '68 nuances. You'll either respect them, or want to kill Bill Hinzman.

House on the Edge of the Park 1980

I never realized some of the bad cinematic choices made by my parents while growing up until recently. I say this not because HOTEOTP is a bad movie, it's the fact that the decision to allow a seven/eight year old kid to watch this Italian sleazefest - That's the bad part. God love them, tho. David Hess pretty much carved his career in stone as forever being a brutal sadistic rapist with no regard for women or life in general with this Rugerro Deodato brute-fest. Last House on the Left left him wounded, walking in a dead mans waddle, but House on the Edge of the Park was the fatal shot. Alex (Hess) and Ricky (Italian sleazemeister Giovanni Lombardo Radice) are quiet the abnormal pair. From the get go, we're introduced to an 'ambush' rape - Alex seeing a short haired blond in the car next to him, forcing her off the road, then raping her. For a few minutes, one may get the inkling that Krug had somehow survived and made his way to Italy. We shouldn't be so lucky. Alex and Ricki are two lone mechanics - Alex being the semi-boss, or the brains of the bunch, using the somewhat 'slow-minded' Ricky as a superiority crutch - someone to boss around and ultimately shove around. Ricky is somewhat likable, as we see his childish innocence right away. From the start, we realize that Alex and Ricky don't make a good pair, especially the way Alex seems to be the one in control. It's evening and Alex is getting all dolled up in his black and yellow club suit, looking mighty fine. Ricky is decked out in his leather jacket and jeans, discussing certain plans for the evening. Before long, a crew on their way to a party need a quick fix for their car and offer Alex forty bucks to fix it. Incidentally, after looking the car over, the crew invite the two dressed up mechanics out for a night of 'boogieing'. They soon arrive at a very large mansion, where a few more party goers await - one of the most memorable being a bald black woman. Yeah, a bald black woman. Things go pretty good at first, until one of the guys at the party suggest playing a game of poker. Ricky has to pretty much ask Alex if he can play, but Alex being the good slave driver he is, allows Ricky to play. Soon, Alex realizes that they're taking him for a ride and scheming together to beat his every hand. Ricky has no idea that he's being taken advantage of, not even after the little fiasco earlier, involving a half naked Ricky and the cold clubby hands of the female party goers. To put it bluntly, Alex doesn't take well to the fact that they're trying to pull one over on them. He pretty much goes ballistic, beating the total shit out of a couple of the guys and cutting up and raping every woman in his path. He takes the house under siege, locking everyone in, telling them their every move. Ricky, being somewhat 'easier minded' than his bugged out friend Alex, just wants to call it a night, but Alex isn't done yet - He wants to have some fun. To make a long story short, what we get is a brutal, sleazy, sadistic, mysgyonic piece of cinema, that serves no other purpose than to shock and repulse you. I'm not sure which is worse in terms of brutality, Last House on the Left or House On the Edge of the Park. I have actually interviewed both David Hess and Giovanni Lombardo Radice, and both guys have fun memories of each other, and most of all, fund memories of making House on the Edge of the Park. (I'll post the interviews soon). Like most rape/revenge flicks, Alex gets what's coming to him, but not after lashing out and accidentally mortally wounding little old Ricky. Hess puts on a pretty good performance and is always strangely likable, even when he's a sadistic psycho. I could never understand this. Anyway, this ain't for the squeamish. I really feel sorry for people who actually 'enjoy' or as Lomberto-Radice likes to say, 'get off on'' these types of films'. Films like these are pretty much a one time thing with me, as the subject matter is just a little to tight - The same can be said for I Spit on Your Grave. I still find myself watching this little Italian dung-fest from time to time, but I really have to put on my blinders and remind myself that I'm not depraved, I just need a wake-up call.

Beware of Satan's Blade

A few posts ago, I entered mentioned something about the obscure 1982 slasher called Satan'sBlade (one time theater release in one rented theater at a theater in Adams Avenue, California.). It was later released on a few labels on video back in 1984. There's the Mogul and Prism labels. There's a few of them but I can"t recall them off the top of my head. Anyway, here's a few screen shots from the sensible hero of the film (Tom Bongiorno) who plays the character Tony a official Lawyer after passing his bar exam. Aside from them, here are a few updated shots of him that's recent, and another back when he was a Neil Diamond impersonator of all things. The pics were posted on Hysteria-Lives.co.uk by Justin Kerswell, and I hope he doesn't care if I borrow them. Incidentally, the pics are posted beside an interview I conducted with the obscure one time actor. You can view the whole interview on Kerswell's brilliant slasher site http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk
All you ever wanted to know about Satan's Blade.


"He's coming to America''.


Tom and his striking new wife. Congrads Tom.


Tom and the one line king, Al, boozing it up before biting Satan's Blade



Tom talking sensible after Stephanie's advances.



Tom in awe of the legend of The Mountain man

The Boogeyman

The movie begins with the 'Halloween-esque' shot of a quaint suburban home, all nestled quietly against beautiful lush scenery and ambiant darkness. Faint blues are used throughout, giving us the impression that something sinister is about to happen inside.

The camera latches still on the curious young faces of Willy and Lacey, who look barely six. They peak through the window at their alcoholic mother and her drunken sadistic boyfriend having foreplay (with a stocking over his face) when they get caught. It seems the boyfriend likes to tie young Billy to the bed when he's been a bad boy and leave him there.

Young Lacey, inclining on her sibling survival techniques, runs to the kitchen and grabs a butchers knife, and cuts the ropes from Willy's wrists. He frees himself and runs to mom's bedroom (where her and boyfriend are making love) with the butcher's knife, and stabs the shit out of pantyhose man. Anyway, doesn't all this - the butchers knife, the voyeurism, the opening shot, (I forgot to mention the music), the murdering of someone by a young child - doesn't all this sound like we're in store for a masked killer who will ultimately 'come home' sometime during the movie? Sure it does, and why wouldn't it?

I don't want to give Lommel more credit than he deserves with his entry into the slasher sub-genre, but he threw us a loop - not just ripping off 'Halloween', but 'Amityville Horror', and 'The Exorcist' as well.

Anyway, after the kid knifes his mom's boyfriend to death, we go on down the road a bit, (around twenty years) where we find a Lacey who has grown into a nice looking young woman, and her brother who now is mute (ever since that fateful night. wouldn't you know it..?) Oh yeah, I almost forgot: It seems as if a certain mirror in the bedroom on that night twenty years ago (My mom used to have one just like it - she purchased it for twenty bucks back in the early eighties.) captured the image of Willy murdering his abusive father figure and somehow traps the spirit of the dead boyfriend inside it.

It seems as if Lacey and her brother have made a pretty good life for themselves. She's a grown woman now, married to a local policeman, where she and her brother live with his family in a big nice house on a farm.

Everything is going great until Lacey receives a letter from her psychotic mother who states that the doctors haven't given her much time to live, and that she feels it her right to be able to see she and Willy before she passes on. This takes Lacey through a flashback of that fateful night, and resurfaces all those happenings, leaving her is a state of shit, I mean shock.

Weird things start to happen and people start to die in weird ways. Lacey starts seeing her mom dead boyfriend (with pantyhose over his face and all) in mirrors throughout the house. Willy paints mirrors black in a symbolic gesture.. It's all about the mirror's baby! An old hypnotist ( played by John Carradine) soon gets involved, and during a session, is witness to Lacey's demons. It's suggested that she go back to the house where her problems had originated and tackle her inner demons.

Well, this seems like a good idea. She and her husband travel to that old two story house where three siblings are alone while Ma and Pa are on vacation. Lacey and her husband ask to come in and see the house again. All is fine until she walks into the bedroom. It just so happens that the same exact mirror that was on the wall twenty years ago, just so happens to be in the same spot in the same bedroom. Ok, now that's the most logical thing I've ever heard.

Anyway, it's explained that the mirror just somehow never got thrown out and crap begins to happen. Lacey sees pantyhose man in the mirror and bashes it all to hell. Like any normal person, Lacey's husband puts all the pieces of the broken mirror in a paper bag and they take it back home with them.

After they leave, one of the weirdest death scenes in horror film history happens. If by some chance someone reading this review hasn't seen it yet, I'm not going to give it away, but let's just say that three siblings die in about thirty seconds, via some kick ass ways.

To make a long story short, throw in a little bit of a possession flick, mixed with another sub genre, into a big bowl of slasherness, and you'll ultimately end up with, 'The Boogeyman.'

Throw in a priest who tries to fight the menacing spirit of the pantyhose man, along with a mute brother who finally builds up enough strength to speak during the traumatic ending and you pretty much have it. Dammit, throw in a dumpy shot-on-video look (I have the old vhs copy) and THEN you'll have it.

I think I'm done. Wait, I said that looking into a mirror. So, did I actually say that backwards?

High Tension (aka Switchblade Romance (2003)

I can't really pin point why, but High Tension is one of the most disturbing slasher films I've seen in quite some time. The uncut version has quite a few brutal scenes that aren't for the squeamish. I felt weird for about a week afterwards to tell you the truth. Was it the scene involving some sicko giving himself oral pleasure by means of decapitated head? Was it the brutal killing of 'Dad'? The almost unheard of child death? I'd say it's all of the above.

Slasher film are meant to create a public reaction. Alexandre Aja certainly accomplished what he set out to do. An American family have moved to France, still getting use to all the little differences. Alexia has befriended Marie and decides to have her stay the week-end at her family's house.

By this point, the movie has almost a psycho-perverted feel to it already. During the opening scene, a man in a dirty old truck pleasures himself with a severed head. He's mumbling something in French the whole time, simply throwing the head out the window when he's finished. Needless to say this is a very powerful scene. This, to me, set the mood for the entire film. There was always this hidden perverted undertone all the way throughout that made me feel uneasy.

Just as everyone goes to sleep, Marie decides to put on her head-set and have herself a little masturbation session. Marie fingers to the groove and is probably thinking about her friend Alexia. (Earlier, she spied on her while she was taking a shower.) Just as she climaxes, the same killer we see at the beginning of the film hurries up the driveway in his old rusty truck. He knocks on the door. Dad wonders who the hell it is and answers the door. Psycho-perv slices Dad's throat and violently crushes his head with a large chest.

He violently kills mom and Alexia's son via shotgun, but decides to spare Alexia by gagging her and tying her up. Marie stealthily maneuveres around the house undetected, trying not to make a noise. Finally, the killer carries Alexia outside and throws her in the back of rhe truck. Somehow, Marie ends up in the back with her friend as the killer drives her to some unknown destination.

Hight Tension is just that. It maintains a constant level of tension. You're always wondering what's going to happen next. Who's going to get beheaded or have their face bludgeoned violently? What perverted things is this psycho-perv going to do to these innocent girls?

As I mentioned earlier, this film has a number of perverted undertones but never really shows us anything we haven't seen before. (Although, the severed head giving head scene made me cringe. I haven't did that in a long time) It's funny how that one scene opened up the door for things to seem more sexually charged than they really are.

Anyway, you can't really say too much more about it without giving away the ending. Some people absolutely despise the ending. Me, personally? I love it. I think it capped it off really well pending the subject matter anyway. I think it was a brave wraparound if you ask me. To be honest, I'm not real sure if the ending was originially in the script, or if it was tacked on by the producers. Either way, I think it works. Some people see it as a copout, I see it as a venue to a whole box of unanswered questions. This is one of those rare occasions where some things are better left unsaid. I think it's more fitting for the viewer to actually try and grasp what they've seen, but keep an open mind. We delve deep into a mind that becomes more corrupt as sex makes its way into the picture. This being evident, it's hard to deny the very risky subject matter and feel a little tarnished by it. Think New York Ripper. Fulci gave us gore, death, and sex all in one basket. It's almost too much to handle at once. The same can be said for High Tension, except on a lower scale.

The score captures the foreign aspect which I thought worked really well. It made things seem almost exotic and even more hopeless. Sometimes the foreign feel to an over seas production hinders things, but in this case, it enhances the mood of the story. Let me just say without giving everything away that the filmmakers (or whomever) didn't give us a conventional reveal. They gave us so many welcomed cliche's throughout the film, but totally side stepped what they were doing and lead us into a brick wall.

Should you watch High Tension? If you're a fan of the old school slasher film, I don't see how you could possibly go wrong in watching it. The ending may or may not be your cup of tea, but there's no denying it's affect.

Graduation Day 1981

Spoilers Below

I'm straddling the fence on this little slasher attempt. I get the idea that Herb Freed, director, (now there's a name) thought he had himself a slasher gem on his hands. This film takes itself way too seriously, but does deliver on a few levels, but mediocre at best.

Good old stand-by Chris George (Pieces, The Gates of Hell,) is an overbearing track and field coach and likes to push his students over the edge. He must have pushed a little too hard because one girl decides to 'give up the ghost' during a public track meet, falling over dead from an apparent heart attack due to over exertion. Uh oh! We just know that someone has got to avenge the girl's death, and much to our expectations, someone does.

Whomever it may be is doing away with people on the track team, donning a sweat suit, giallio-esque black gloves, and a stopwatch. It seems as if the killer times his victims deaths- from the time he spots them, (he/she hitting the button) until the murder is over. The spontaneous killer tries to orchestrate his kills in under thirty seconds, the same amount of time our little female track star had to please the coach's demand for a fast time

Graduation Day is filled with would-be red herrings, but none of them play out too extensively. The formulaic layout of the slasher film in the earliest of the 80's was still in its infancy so-to-speak, so Chris George's character COULD have been conceived as being the killer. (Although we find out later he's not, when he's confronted by the killer)

I'll give Herb Freed SOME credit. I'll not detract from his wanton slasher 'masterpiece'. There are some very decent shots that present themselves in subtle ways throughout the film, but it was quiet hard to enjoy my old RCA vhs and its constant glare throughout. It's like watching a movie through a sunlit riddled window, a light haze hovering above everything.

Hey, I almost forgot big sister (who is in the Navy, doesn't get along with her father, and is 'tough as nails') and the mock Friday the 13th scene - ala Annie being given a ride by a husky old truck driver, as this time, its the big sister of the fallen track star making her way home for her sisters funeral. Is it big sis in a rage?

We also have Kevin. He's probably one of the ugliest individuals I've ever seen. He looks like someone the casting agents picked up off the streets, decided to shave, and ultimately give the part as a mourning boyfriend who planned to marry 'track girl' on 'Graduation Day'. To be totally honest, it's not real hard to guess who the killer is. He does have a unique, albeit cheesy way of offing his victims. We have one chic getting murdered in the girls locker-room. The last time I checked, it's pretty much hard to kill someone in a school without getting caught, nevertheless, slasher films don't make room for much continuity, so there's not much to pick at if one has conceived this idea from the get-go.

I'm not totally gonna diss Graduation Day. It has its flaws, but it also has its moments. There's some really good chase scenes entwined with some off-beat atmosphere, and a few original murders - Like a spike horizontally stuck through a football, thrown in a perfect Dan Marino spiral directly into its human target -or- the lone pole vaulter who lands on a mat full of strategically placed spikes. At least a little bit of thinking went into the death scenes.

By some odd means, I find myself watching this one more than I should, even though I don't watch it very much. (Is that a paradox?) Anyway, for the slasher completest like me, this is a must have simply because its Graduation Day. For fans of old 80's horror in general, if you can find it, it's well worth the 99c rental at your local video store. While you won't get many scares along the way, you'll get a full stomach by getting extra helpings of cheese.

Driller Killer 1979

Like most classic horror films of the seventies and the early 80's, I saw most of them when I was a kid. Driller Killer just so happened to be a rental one Saturday night by the folks. I remember the copy of the vhs we rented stating at the beginning, 'This film is meant to be played loud'. I never really fully got what this artsy film was trying to say, but after many years and a lot more experience in my my cinematic indulgences, I understand what director Abel Ferarra was trying to pull of.

We have a strange painter (Reno) , living with his two female roomates in what could be considered a 'shanty' place. They're barely making ends meat. Reno's paintings haven't been selling and the neighbors that moves in next door to him do nothing to elevate his artistic visions. 'The Roosters', a VERY LOUD Punk band play their music day and night right next door to Reno, driving him insane. Needless to say, like most painters I've come into contact with, they get the hots for portable drills. Reno seems to get a little too excited when he sees commercials on television for a portable drill for only twenty bucks. He also has these weird scenarios in his head - everything is all blood crimson, his face and hair covered in blood at the sound of this very aggravating squelching.

This is where the statement I mentioned earlier comes into play. If you turn the film up louder than normal, you get the sense of what Reno must have endured (even to a greater degree) on a daily and nightly basis. Ala 'I Drink Your Blood', where a group of satanic hippies infected with rabies freak out at loud high pitched noises. Driller Killer delivers on lousy sounding nuances to literally pound the viewers senses. There's this horrible urge to turn the television down, but there's also this feeling that we're missing out on the whole point if we do. Irritating, vibrating, high pitched noises - All the way through the film. Together with Reno's dead painting career, lack of money for the bills, and his failed love attempt, it's no wonder he goes mad and murders homeless people. I think this is also a statement. Reno was only one step away from being homeless himself. Reno despised the homeless 'bums', but was overly afraid of becoming one himself, thus, taking his murderous aggression out on them. That's not the only 'class' of people Reno kills, however.

If you're in for something a little different, but still not the greatest thing in the world, check out Driller Killer. Not a bad early effort from Ferarra, who later delivered a few more cult favorites.

Just Before Dawn 1982

Jeff Lieberman's 1982 backwoods slasher Just Before Dawn is one of those needles in the haystack. You know it's there, but you truly don't appreciate it until after you've stuck yourself with it. What sets this film apart from the majority of 80's backwoods slasher attempts is the location, alongside some very likable characters. Besides this, all of them can act. Plus, anything with George Kennedy gets a few points already.


Spoilers Below

We have a film filled with beautiful and creepy imagery. It's doused with certain charms that one can't explain, giving it that extra oomph that a film like this needs. Leiberman went out on a limb with Just Before Dawn and succeeded for the most part. Sadly, this film had gotten nowhere near the recognition it deserved over the years (as with The Final Terror), but not too long ago, Media Blasters released a special edition 2 disc set packed with extra features. To be honest, I was hoping for better picture quality. I don't even think it's the infinitive uncut print.

Anyway, we have a very eerie opening scene that involves two hunters in an abandoned church. They just happen to be smack dab in the middle of nowhere, with trees and landscape as far as you can see. They're standing in the church (which happens to have a strategically placed hole in the roof) bragging about their kill when the older hunter sees this huge man staring down at him. He gets freaked out, goes outside to check things out, but leaves his nephew Vachel inside. After a minute or two, Vachel turns to follow his Uncle outside, when the same face we saw staring down at them leaps out from behind a door and violently stabs Vachel through the genital area.

This scene made me jump. BUT, how could the same guy that was on the roof be inside? He's not Jason Vorhees, he can't be in two places at once, right?
We soon learn as one of the campers is walking across a rope bridge that there's actually two of these giants. Yep, their twins. Crazy inbred, machete carrying twins. They make some very menacing 'killers'. They seem to have the mind of a three year old and have no real grasp on reality. Wrong or right. Lacking morality and conscious makes anyone become more menacing.

Anyway, what we get is the normal slasher facade - campers partying. Campers talking. Campers getting spooked a few times (Especially in one scene that involves a couple swimming.)
To cut it short, if you're a slasher fan of the 80's, Just Before Dawn has enough of every element to make it work. Appreciate the lush cinematography (although the Media Blaster print has a foggy 'haze' all the way through it) and serious approach to the otherwise cheese filled cavities we see in most low budget slasher movies.

The Dorm That Dripped Blood Comics

"Please, stop killing. For me?"


"I can't believe you did all the cocaine. I'm so hurt."



"Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme an A! Gimme a D! What's that spell!?"


"I finally passed that kidney stone."

The Burning 1980

Imagine how Cropsy feels out there in that summer heat at Camp Blackfoot. The guy's smoldering anyway - ever since being the victim of a kids prank that left him charred from head to toe.

Old Cropsy can't seem to let things die, and his temper is hot. He's got a burning desire to get back at the kids who turned him into a roasted duck.(Not to be confused with Fulci's quacking duck) The skin grafts at the hospital didn't take. No. No luck there. A proto-Freddy Kruger? Maybe?

C'mon, Cropsy! It's been five years since your accident. This group of kids had absolutely nothing to do with your little 'explosion' all those years back. Just leave 'em alone! I see there's no talking Cropsy out of sharpening his garden shears and stalking the camp once again. He knows Jason usually does the camp stalking, but he feels it necessary to prove a point.

Anyway, Cropsy kills. He does a little thing called the raft massacre - Which is one of the most brutal scenes is slasher movie history. Tom Savini flaunts his stuff and catches another STD behind the scenes. There's George Costanza with hair, alongside the Fast Times At Ridgemont High nerd. There's a couple pairs of tits and a few asses. Yeah, we're doing good aren't we?

Great gore. Great score. Great atmosphere. Wonderful setting. Everything that makes a slasher movie a slasher movie. It has a very upbeat feeling that's lacking in a lot of slashers. Most slasher movies have this depressing vibe about them, but once in a while you'll get one that strives for a higher mood. Sometimes that depressing vibe helps out in regards to atmosphere as a whole, but sometimes films can become too depressing for their own good.

A rarity in the low budget slasher genre is decent acting. We get some above par acting from a young Jason Alexander and Fisher Stevens. Holly Hunter is also in there somewhere, but doesn't get much screen time. The slasher fan always seems to have this one high on their list of favorites. It's become sort of a staple to have this one in the collection. Mandatory? I'd say so. Grab that newly released The Burning dvd and have some fun.

Prom Night 1980

Prom Night is a teenage thriller set in a big city high school. Kim (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Nick (Casey Stevens) will be crowned Queen and King of the Prom and the excitement is evident. But a number of subplots threaten to disrupt the celebrations of the evening and eventually turn it into a night of horror.''

Doesn't sound too bad. Wrong. I don't hate this movie, but honestly, it's one of the more boring and dated entries in the slasher department. We start off with a now systematic scene involving a group of young kids. They're playing a twisted version of tag that involves one kid being the victim and the remaining kids being the 'killers'. (Not that kids playing twisted tag is systematic, but the 'accident 6 years earlier' thingy)

A tall lanky, little girl runs throughout the corridors of the building, hiding from her pursuers as they chant (simultaneously) ,"The Killers are coming!". Finally, the little girl gets cornered by this group of little pricks and accidentally falls two stories to her death through a window. We really wouldn't have a slasher unless the kids decide to cover up her death and keep quiet the fact they taunted her until she fell. It's not as big of a secret as these kids think. Just as they speed away on their bicycles, a little boys foot steps into view. Yes, he knows what happened.

Just as one might have guessed, we go down the road 6 or 7 years. It's the day of the Prom. All is well, but we get quick edits to an unseen killer. They're marking out pictures of random kids an a high school year book with a tube of lipstick - Making eerie phone calls. Could it be the little boy that steps into frame to reveal that somebody knows?

There's not much to discuss in between. A few strange things happen. Jamie Lee gets spooked along with a couple other students. There's actually some hint of character development, giving prelude to the fact that Kim has an arch rival ,who'll evidently befriend a greaser punk just to use him for revenge against her. We almost get a ''Carrie'' subplot, which was basically a slap in the face if you ask me.

There's a good fight scene. We get a little comical relief in the form of a fat tub of lard who calls himself 'Slick'. He likes his herb and thinks he's John Travolta with the women. (Not that Travolta likes women) He does gain a few points for keeping his marijuana stash in an American History book. Aside from this, he drives a van!

Aside from a few comical sequences and a couple red herrings, there's not really much to report about. We do, however, get treated to the same disco song in a Jamie Lee's dance scene (for what seems like an hour) - and a half way decent fight scene involving Kim's brother (Alex) and the greaser punk I mentioned earlier.

The killer's choice of attire is less than to be desired. A black jumpsuit, accompanied by a boggin and giallioesque black gloves. He DOES like to use an axe, tho. To be honest, I don't know if the reveal of the killer was as plain as day or not. It may be just be me, but the whole film seemed like it was edited by a six year old.

Conclusion: The first of a series that would spawn three sequels. The first two sequels delve into the supernatural area while the fourth installment delves back into the straight slasher department. For the slasher completest, Prom Night has got to be in the collection. It's as dated as you can get. I certainly wouldn't mind if I ever saw it again. For the completest, if you can find it in a 1$ bin, do it for the sake of it.

Unhinged 1982

Unhinged somehow skipped by me at the video store growing up. Not until a couple years ago had I even heard of it. I managed to finally pick it up (after much contemplation) on dvd, but never got around to watching it for a couple of weeks. In the mean time, I did a little search on it and discovered it made the UK's 'Video Nasties' list back in the 80's. Of course, because a film is on the list doesn't make it an instant success.
Unhinged is like that punk in high school who talks a lot of shit but never really does anything about it. We start off simple enough. Three girls are on their way to a jazz concert when they have an accident. I never knew so many young women were into jazz! Anyway, someone finds them and brings them back to a mansion to mend up. It's the home of an invalid spinster and her 'daughter' where eccentricity reigns with an iron fist.

I don't know, but didn't they have hospital's back in 1982? Were they so deep in God's country that they didn't have the means to take them to an emergency room? The girls vaguely ask to be sent to a hospital as one of the girls is still concussed, but evidently they don't mind the lack of medical attention or sheer disregard for human health displayed by the rich eccentrics.

Don Gronquist (director) actually did a pretty good job involving direction. For the most part, most of the shots were pretty tight. The scenery was great. The wet Autumn laden trees were pleasing to the eye as we get a couple helicopter shots that for the most part, are unheard of in no budget film making. I'll take it and semi-like it. I thought Gronquist built tension pretty well. The movie does run a bit slow, having an even slower bodycount. I guess Gronquist stated in an interview that he was going to give Unhinged the Halloween treatment, giving us a lot of implications instead of gratuitous violence. Still, the death scenes are spectacularly done, with a keen giallo-like feel to it that's unmistakable.

The acting and pace are the culprits here. I'm sure the casting department probably picked up local actors because most of them had this weird nasal accent that's hard not to notice. Needless to say, it's quite amateurish , but picks up a few times along the way. Gronquist probably watched the dailies and realized the acting sucked and laid down the balls, I mean law to the straying actresses.

Unhinged manages to keep a somber ton throughout. It's quite depressing, honestly. The synthesizer score is reminiscent of almost anything from the 80's. Not too bad, but definitely not something you wanna try and find a download for. I've gotta say that I never saw the ending coming. It would be safe to say that it's one of the more shocking endings I have ever seen in a horror film. This ranks up their directly behind Sleepaway Camp's reveal. I was repulsed and literally shocked when I saw what was going on. Is the ending enough to redeem Unhinged as a whole? Again, you tell me. I'll be honest and say it might. Unhinged truly isn't a bad movie. It's a bland movie. There are a few Norman Bates type spying sequences that involves heavy breathing and masturbation. To be honest, it's some disturbing stuff. Too bad that those scenes are few and far between.

If you're the slasher completest and must have every slasher film from The Forest to the Halloween remake, go ahead and grab it. Hell, if you can find it for under 5$, go ahead and pick it up for the disturbing ending alone. It's worth 5$ just for the wake-up call.

When there's no more thread in Hell...

"I don't want to be threading around like that!"

Hider in the House 1988

A pre-bugged out Gary Busey portrays a resident psychopath (Tom Sykes) in a very strange performance that will ultimately make you pull back the shower curtain before taking a piss. Not really, but I like Busey. I would, however, hide in the shower if I saw him coming towards me.

After his release from a state institution, Tom finds a cozy new place to call home: a secret place he builds in the attic of the Dryer family home. No, not Fred Dryer's family. Hunter would have found him and let Dee Dee have a round or two with him.

Sykes definitely knows how to hide. As a child Tom would escape his parents violent outbursts and abuse by hiding in the most remote areas of the house. It's not long before he finally gets tired of being burned with cigarettes and torches down the house with his parents in it.

By setting up an elaborate microphone system in the attic, Tom's able to hear every word they say. He knows more about the Dryer family than Fred Dryer knows about them. Tom is now part of the house and his obsession with Julie unleashes hidden demons trapped in a mind that's trapped in an attic.

Tom finally makes himself known to Julie after he finds Phil and his mistress at a local restaurant. (He sets up a plan to have her meet him at the same hotel he uses with his mistress.) After the fur flies and Phil gets caught in the act, he's told to leave. Tom strategically places himself in the middle of a schoolyard fight between Julie's son and some monkey-bar punk. Julie appreciates Tom stepping in and little by little Tom starts to come around.

Things get a little hazy in Julie's eyes when Tom teaches her son some new defense techniques that involves viciously hurting one's opponent by means of nut blows, knees, and elbows. Things are set in stone when Tom shows how screwed up he his by almost refusing to take no for an answer when he asks for a formal date with Julie.

The film as a whole deals loosely with the psychological aspect of a bad upbringing. (Almost similar to a 1970's film called Bad Ronald - about a guy who lives in the walls of the house in which new tenants move in) Tom's arms are riddled with scars from cigarette burns. The conclusion of his visits to his shrink have him worried. He's afraid he'll 'loose control' again. The shrink talks nice, but isn't too keen on the notion of having him released. I wouldn't let Gary Busey roam the free world either.

What sets this movie off from the rest of the 'I'm crazy because I was abused as a kid' movies is the fact that at heart, Tom is a big old Teddy Bear. He really doesn't want to hurt anyone. His motives are pure in his own mind, but those damned old memories seem to trigger his rough temper. All he wants to do is lead an all American life, equipped with a wife and kids. Tom actually is a character to be pitied. I truly never saw him as a villain until the finale.

There's not much slicing and dicing going on, but the movie as a whole has a few slasher undertones. I guess one could classify it as such. I classify marijuana as a hearty breakfast, so...

One thing I do know is that a dog, an ill fated exterminator, and Julie's friend get killed and buried. Another thing I know is that this movie is quiet entertaining. Busey gives a wonderful performance and really doesn't have to act too much. As we all know, Busey is crazy anyway. Also, Mimi Roger's is smoking as usual, reminding me for the world of my beautiful wife.

If you're a fan of psychological horror films as well as slasher films, you can't go wrong. No masterpiece, but no pile of trash either. I'll admit, the scenario is quiet outlandish. Not too many people would look over the fact that some crazy man is living in the attic, but it makes way for some good stuff on celluloid. By the way, this is/was a made for television film that debuted on the USA network back in the day.