Humongous 1982

HUMONGOUS starts out during a party in 1946 where a woman is raped by a drunk sex freak who intends to show his victim ''what she's been missing''. One of her male counterparts opens the kennel and her German Shepherd's come to the rescue, tearing the guy to shreds. Sure, he deserved it. We skip down the road about thirty odd years while Sandy, Eric (David Wallace), Nick (Nick Wild), Carla, and Joy are at the end of their week-end getaway at their father's lake front home. They finish cleaning everything up and enter their father's yacht for the ride back. As nightfall sets in, the fog rolls and makes way for some hard navigating. They soon see a shot from a flare gun and try and navigate the large boat towards the distress signal. To make a long story short, they hit some rocks after Big brother and Little prick brother fight over who has the bigger dick and Ka-Boom! The boat blows to pieces sending the passengers on board flying off into the water. Everyone is accounted for except for Carla, but she's found the next day hiding in a boat. In the mean time, some giant bohemeth lurks the island and is quiet hungry. It seems as if his only source of survival (His mother) has died and the little problem of starvation comes into play. The sound of dogs once echoed throughout the island, but now every thing's dead quiet. Did he get hungry? Humongous. Humongous. What to make of you. Paul Lynch (Prom Night) seems to have forgotten the fact that night scenes need SOME lighting. The night scenes are so dark that it's damn near impossible to tell what's going on. This is a big hindrance to what otherwise could have been a good viewing experience. Don't get me wrong, HUMONGOUS isn't THAT bad, but it's not that damn good either. There are a few decent stalk and slash sequences and when punk-ass baby brother Nick gets his, it'll make you jump. It's hard to believe the makers of Friday the 13th part 2 didn't sue Lynch for his downright copied and pasted ending that involves our stalked final girl turning her back and pretending to be the killer's mother. She sweet talks him a bit and the rest is the equivalent of taking a shit in a dry toilet. You know you gotta, but you don't wanna. There's not much to write home about. This venture just proves tho show that Paul Lynch couldn't make a good slasher movie if it bit him in the ass and sang the theme song to My Bloody Valentine to him. I know there's some die hard Prom Night fans reading this, and I seriously don't mean any disrespect, but true is true. It's not that good. Neither is Humongous. Those damn Canadians are too confusing. If you're in the mood for a violent version of Scooby Doo that's too hard to see, then pick up HUMONGOUS.

BCI plans to release Final Exam on DVD!

Finally!~ BCI Entertainment is set to release a few early 80's horror pics and one just so happens to be the 1981 dorm slasher, Final Exam. Final Exam is a personal favorite of mine (see review below) and having a full fledged dvd release is something of a surprise. I'm not sure of any extras, but a good picture and dolby sound is ok by me. I say go with this box art.....



...It's reaks of the early 80's (or late 70's, as Final Exam was actually shot in '79) and would add a nostalgic feel in a post nostalgic industry. Anyway, that'll give us slasher fans something to chew on in the interim.

The Babysitter 1979

A crazy girl weasels herself inside a family home and almost ruins it from the inside out.

A mysterious, enchanting girl named Joanna manipulates the Benedict family to the very edge of dysfunctional family-ism. Hired as a house maid after an elaborate set-up in which Mrs Benedict (Patty duke) nearly runs over her, the babysitter, Joanne, gains the respect and devotion of the family by her efficiency, understanding, and sympathy.

The suspicious neighbor endeavors to uncover Joanna's closely guarded past but not before his grandson (The blond guy from HUMONGOUS - David Wallace) is drowned while on a boat trip with Joanna.

The neighbor uncovers the disturbing truth about Joanna just in time to save the Benedict family from a hideous fate. This little mystery-suspense thriller delivers the goods in some departments - especially William Shatner overacting to the point to where you think he's going to go into the bathroom and change outfits and come out with a dildo taped to his forehead.

Released for television back in 1979, the producers were obviously trying to cash in on the slasher craze that befuddled the world around that golden era. (Halloween) Instead of going to the big screen, the film gave even the most wholesome family a taste of slasher-goodness that they normally wouldn't have been exposed to.

When I say slasher, I DO use the term loosely. Basically, there's no slashing going on, but it teeters on the fence - almost stepping on slasher-grounded territory a time or two - especially during our climax where there's a stalking sequence with a butcher's knife. There's also a few other little surprises that just so happen to be lying under large sheets of plastic. Is it dusty furniture?

Even the most jaded fan will find something about this little made for television flick to talk about. It may not make discussion at the dinner table, but it has that cold Seattle feel to it that leaves an impression on you. Washington State is the American equivalent as Canada, btw. Feck you too! (Hell, I'm not even sure if it was filmed in Washington, but it sure felt like it. )

There's a great fish bashing scene that gives us a close-up of Joanna's beautiful, but disgruntled face as she whacks a catfish in the head more times than normal. I'm not sure of the 'normal' amount of times one is supposed to whack a catfish over the head, but who's counting? BTW, this movie was produced by the same people who produced 'Cannibal Holocaust'. Of course, I'm only kidding.

The bottom line is that this movie is very watchable - even for the die-hard slasher/horror fan. If nothing else, watch it for a confused William Shatner.

Canibal Ferox (aka- MAke Them Die Slowly) 1980

To start it off right, this film is one of the most vile and utter pieces of Italian trash to ever climb from the cesspool of Italian cinema. The cannibal genre is a mixed array of cinematic happenings that deal with a variety of different 'types' of cannibals - Cannibal Ferox just so happens to deal with the 'jungle cannibal'. For instance, there's your back-woods cannibal types that are depicted in such films as Cannibal Campout, Lunch Meat, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There's your 'Brings back strange disease from the war' cannibals as depicted in Cannibal Apocalypse - Another Italian sleazefest made by the Italians and co-starring Cannibal Ferox star Giovanni Lombardo Radice and John Saxxon of all people. There's your Hannibal Lecter types - This type of cannibal is usually based on evidence from real police files. An usually articulate man with supreme taste, and an appetite for the grand. There's also your homosexual cannibals such as Jeffrey Dahmer - who ingests human flesh because they're lonely. I see no correlation between this well formed depravity and loneliness, but I'm sure there's some Freudian pseudo explanation that says there is. Now, we refer back to the most popular form of 'the cannibal' - Your primitive jungle dwelling cannibal . Throughout the seventies and early 80's, there were two main players in the Jungle' cannibal genre that pretty much opened up a whole new can of worms, but also closed the lid some years later. Umberto Lenzi and Ruggero Deodato - Those two names should be synonymous with extreme violence, cinematic rapes, latex gut munching, but most sadistically, live animals being killed for 'shock value'. Both men claim that they never filmed any killing of live animals - and that the producers shot those scenes after their job as director was finished.Whatever the case may be, the slaughtering (or set-up of the harm or killing) of live animals for the purpose of shocking someone in a film is going too far if you ask me. Cannibal Holocaust is probably most notorious in regards to scenes of torture and cinematic violence. But a lot of people disagree, saying they were most disturbed by Cannibal Ferox. Ferox starts off in that typical Italian fashion.

We have an Anthropology student who denies the fact that cannibalism ever existed. She's convinced that mad tales of flesh eating are just that - mad babbling folklore created by the civilized man to give the jungle a stark legacy. Our story revolves around three NY college students who set out to the jungles of Columbia to disprove any talk of cannibalism or the practices thereof. Gloria (played by Lorainne De Salle of House on the Edge of the Park), Rudy, Gloria's brother (played by Brian Redford), and Patricia (Zera Kerowa of New York Ripper fame) get everything set and enters the outskirts of the jungle via off-road vehicle. Right away, things get off on the wrong foot as the jeep gets stuck and they're forced to foot their way through the wilds of Rio. A few minutes later, the crew run into two small time New York drug dealers who just so happen to be lofting around the jungle floor when they're attacked by natives.

Mike Logan (Giovanni Lombardo Radice - House on the Edge of the Park, Cannibal Apocalypse, The Gatesof Hell, The Church) and his injured friend Joe, run into the crew and ask them for help. Of course, the crew obliges. Little by little they learn of Mike's lust for cocaine and that there's more to he and Joe that meets the eye. It's soon learned why Mike and Joe are running from the natives. It seems as if Mike has a knack for violence - especially when fueled up on cocaine. The rape and murder of a native Indio girl by white outsiders doesn't go over to well with the villagers and it's a race through the jungle to find a way out. Not only this, but Mike is also responsible for torturing a Portuguese tribesman to death in search of emeralds. Mike's quiet the nice guy isn't he? What follows are scenes of gratuitous violence accompanied by a sense of sexual depravity and drug induced paranoia. One by one, the crew are dispatched in some god-awful ways.

To be honest, the gore sequences in the film aren't harsher than most gore films of its ilk. Where Cannibal Ferox steps foot into depravity (besides the torture and hinted rape) is the set up of actual on-screen animal killings which range from a gutted crocodile and turtle, to the feeding of a bound anteater to a very large python. If this isn't enough, we have a live pig which is gutted in bloody fashion by the cinematic hands of Mike Logan. As stated by Giovanni Lombardo Radice, a stagehand was given the job to actually slaughter the animal. He also states that during this scene, he tries to avenge the poor pig by pressing hard on a ceramic bowl that was to catch the blood - nearly severing the stagehand's wrist. Cannibal Ferox is labeled one of the nastiest films of all time - and rightly so. An on-screen castration- Hooks through a woman's breasts - Hand severing - Decapitations - The rape and murder of innocent villagers.

This film shouldn't be watched by anyone who is offended by such atrocious on-screen events. By this, I mean people who actually, eat, sleep and breathe. It seems as the Italian cannibal genre grew older, the demonic imagination of filmmakers involved in the genre escalated to monstrous heights. Earlier films like Umbero Lenzi's EatenAlive! (which uses the same music for Cannibal Ferox) also depicts scenes of animal cruelty and gang rapes, but the film as a whole isn't nearly as brutal as Cannibal Ferox. Jungle Holocaust, an earlier cannibal entry by Rugerro Deodato, is actually more of an adventure film than just a bunch of shock sequences strewn together.

Personally, the adventure theme should have been the main attraction to these types of films. The jungle setting makes way for some good action sequences. Going back to the topic of discussion, Giovanni Lombardo Radice stated to me in an interview that he regretted ever starring in Cannibal Ferox. He says that it has haunted him for twenty-five years. Being remembered as Mike Logan is a huge disappointment for Giovanni. To tell you the truth, I can't blame the guy for feeling this way. But, didn't he read the script beforehand? To sum it up, Cannibal Ferox is a film that should be viewed at least once just to see that everything you've heard has been true.

Very few films live up to their legend status, but this is one of those exceptions. I have no idea how anyone could possibly enjoy the movie. To tell you the truth, I think that anyone who even considers such a film 'fun entertainment' should be checked for mental incapabilities.

Curtains 1983

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Keith Richards knows his role

Keith Richards plays Orville in Bob Clark's 1972 classic, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Revenge of the Living Zombies (aka-Zombie Nosh -aka- Flesheater) 1989

Once in a while, one finds something so vile, something so filthy, something so smelling of decay that you just have to roll around in it like an old mutt, coming home stinking, and getting kicked around because you smelled up the place.

Revenge of the Living Zombies isn't a masterpiece by any means. To be honest, it's a complete rip-off of George Romero's Night of the Living Dead, but it's one of those faux pair of alligator boots that look good with that new suit you just bought.

Besides having one of the most recognizable faces from Night of the Living Dead, (making his return in what seems to be the same make-up and attire. reprising his role as a pale faced ghoul) Bill Hinzman, (also known as the Cemetery Zombie) directs, writes, and stars in this little NOTLD ripoff/homage. For a minute, I was beginning to think the duo from The Dorm That Dripped Blood had attained pseudonyms and decided to make a zombie film, claiming credit for every aspect of production including Key Grip.

Instead of some unknown force causing the dead to return to life and attack the living, we actually get a clue as to how this supposed zombie outbreak comes about. It deals with a semi-satanic theme, which beholds our favorite zombie, Bill Hinzman, buried beneath a stump. Just below that godamned stump is a tombstone with some satanic gibberish written on it. This just so happens to be a stump that a local farmer needs to remove. When the good old farmer jerks up that stump and uncovers the grave, Satanic Zombie Man doesn't look all that bad.

He's still able enough to jump up and grab the man, and resume munching on his body parts. Of course, this starts the zombie outbreak that leads to our little Penn state zombiethon.
It just so happens that a group of the ugliest college coeds I've ever seen are taking a hayride through the woods. There's like ten of them and all these fucking coo-koo's bring with is a fucking six pack? Why is it that in every slasher movie, you can have 800 people and someone just picks up a godamned six pack?

You can pretty much guess what happens from this point on. I honestly don't know what was going through Bill Hinzman's mind while making Revenge of the Living Zombies. Did the son of a bitch think he could dust off his thespian prosthetic and make a better zombie film than George Romero? I haven't a clue. What really pains me is that I respect the effort. It's kind of like taking a good dump. A certain urge to read a magazine from start to finish ensues, and you're off to the races. It's kind of the same with this film. Uh, flick. That's more like it.

The acting is like watching a bunch of roosters acting like Kentucky Fried idiots. The actors and actresses have the worst accent I've ever heard. It's a mix between Virginian and Southern Pennsylvanian, crossed with a little bit of Kentuckiana and squirrel.

I'll have to say that there are some genuinely good scenes in the movie. Uhm, flick. One being when a little girl (Hinzman's real life daughter) is dressed up as an angel for Halloween. The doorbell rings. Guess who? It's Satanic Zombie Man and his quest to kill you off screen.. He quickly picks little girl up and pretty much devours her.

There's more tits and ass in this little venture than Fulci's Zombie. I still say that the only reason Hinzman decided to make this film was to have an excuse to grope as many naked homely Pennsylvanian women as he could possibly get away with without a lawsuit.

The ending? What can I say? Imagine Night of the Living Dead, except with two surviving characters. We have the local redneck posse, fronted by non other than Vince Stravinsky. (The guy who shot Ben in the original NOTLD). We even have an old farmhouse where the coeds hole up in search of shelter from other coed zombies. (notice I said 'other')

The score is spot on, tho. I'll give them a shiny new rock for that. It's a redundant piano-esque score that plays through every waking godamn minute of the movie. It does manage enough gusto in not just giving us background noise, but a little added 'creepiness'.

There's also a few good gore shots. One being Satanic Zombie Man ramming his hand in a womans bare stomach and pulling out her liver. Not bad, but Tom Savini could do it better. Again, not a bad little gore effect. Actually, there's quite a few little night gore effects. But nothing to save your piss in a jar over.

What can I say in finality towards Revenge of the Living Zombies? For the zombie fan, you simply can't miss. Most zombie fans accept cheese with their films and let it be. This should be no exception. This is pretty much a little bit of everything that everyone likes in a zombie film. I guess that makes sense.

I know loads of die hard zombie fans who have longed to see this, but can't find a copy. It was also released as Zombie Nosh and Flesheater. All in all, not a bad time waster, especially for the zombie film fan. If nothing else, check it out for all the NOTLD '68 nuances. You'll either respect them, or want to kill Bill Hinzman.