Why would anyone like Satan's Blade? - The rare obscure 1982 slasher film that's as hard to find as a sober Bobby Brown. I first heard about this flick on the mighty Justin Kerswell's monstrocity of a slasher site, Hysteria-Lives!. I'm a sucker for a film set in snowy regions. Since it was also a very obscure title, the slasher completist inside me ventured out and finally picked up a pristine copy.
It's a wonder there's any copies still around, since Tom Bongiorno (Tony - the sensible hero of the film) admitted to actually strolling all Blockbusters and Hollywood Video stores upon its initial video release in 1984, destroying every copy he could find. He was so embarrassed at the final print of the film, he actually walked out on a mindnight showing at a theater the director rented trying to promote it.
Basking in the cheesy glory of Satan's Blade is the closest thing to Heaven this earth has to offer. You have a bunch of fun loving women and two couples who are holed up at a ski-resort for a good time. Just the night before, two women were brutally murdered after a bank heist went bad.
The group of girls reluctantly take the cabin and we're off to the races. I'm sure there should have been a lengthy police investigation, but I guess police officers in Big Bear, California get lazy in the Winter time.
The whole film has this depressing power that grabs you and won't let go. You're on the verge of suicide as the depressing landscape and even more depressing synth score blares in the background.
You have disco-Al who is the absolute fucking king of one-liners. There's Tony, an aspiring lawyer and his wife, who, more or less is quiet the big breasted prude. There's also Al's wife which is nothing more than an excuse for somebody to get stabbed.
Let's not forget our scantly clad, big breasted victims in the cabin next to the two couples. Stephanie knows Tony is married, but this doesn't stop her from wanting to make it with him. Tony eventually fights off her advances and the two become 'friends'. Oh, how sweet.
We get a million shots of someone walking from a mile and a half away while this lonesome depressing score just bounces off the scorched spots in your brain until nostalgia turns from being your friend, to being your friend in suicide. I wanted to find an old beat up 1985 Buick and drive down to the building where the old Maloney's used to be and pretend I was six again.
The first twenty minutes of this flick is quiet grande, if not exceptionally spectacular. There's the usual no-bounce character development that let's us mainly know that Al loves to eat. In the morning. After getting drunk. In the evening. The godamn man likes to eat, and the director and writers make sure we know this.
The murder scenes are quiet disturbing, almost giallo-like. The killer wears a pair of yellow gloves and stalks the premises. When the action gets started, the film is elevated from a carboard piece of paper, to a colorful carboard cereal boxe with puzzles on the back. It gets interesting, especially the murdered girls writhering for thirty seconds in pain while the camera lingers above them. There's also a nightmare sequence that's truly horrifying.
Don't get me wrong, Satan's Blade is a bad film. Everything about it is bad...from the bad 80's wardrobe, to the point and shoot direction, to almost everything else. This still shouldn't stop one from seeing it. It's one of those golden peanuts in all the turds we've seen in the past. The one we've always overlooked. This is the cheesy slasher fan's dream. There's also a good twist ending I never saw coming. Give this movie a chance. I'm sure it would lend you a hand if it had one.
Then and Now
Stephanie Leigh Steele (final girl 1981)
Stephanie Leigh Steele (final gir 2007)
copyright Stephanie Steele 2007
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